amandaw

I'm currently reading Drinking Diaries: Women Serve Their Stories Strainght Up. I'm almost at the end of the book. The line I used in the title served as an "Aha moment" for me. It's amazing that that's how I've felt for so long. I think it's surfaced since I relocated to my current city 6 years ago. My drinking has gradually and significantly increased since moving. I haven't made many friends and I'm very nervous around new people.

I've had several aha moments since starting reading recovery books. Prior to this I've read 2 books about recovery. Both were suggested in the sticky. I read Best Kept Secret - a novel and Diary of an alcoholic housewife -a memoir. Next on my list is Drinking: A Love Story. I have to say each has touched me in a different way. I've cried a lot while reading.

Despite the reading and coming to SR daily, I haven't kicked the habit. I've made it to 5 days twice. I drank last night and had a tallboy this morning to "cure" my hangover. Then I took some muscle relaxers to try to get to sleep. I was reading in bed when I came across the "three drinks short from comfortable." It was unsettling. I then looked at my CNN app and saw a news story about a woman who killed several people when she drove on a highway in the wrong direction. She was drunk. I drank last night and then hopped in the car for more. I wasn't wasted, but I was definitely over the limit. It wasn't a good decision. I've done horrible things under the influence. I don't want to do any more. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want to be a bad mom. I want to free of anxiety and self-doubt.

Just now I dumped every prescription medication I have in the house (none are medically necessary). A week ago, I tapered off my zoloft. It seems like my life was easier BEFORE my doctor started throwing all these prescriptions at me. I've done things my doctor's way, now I want to do things my way.

I've gone to AA meetings. I have issues with the God part of it. I'm an atheist and I don't want to make my children or anyone/anything else a higher power. I do, however, enjoy listening to peoples' stories. I LOVE the welcoming smiles I get there, as well as the empathy and compassion. The acceptance I receive there makes me maybe only one or two drinks short of comfortable.... I think I'm going to start going to meetings again. I'm not going to work the steps or get a sponser, but I'll listen and share as long as I continue to be accepted. I don't generally know how AA members react to people who attend meetings, but don't do the "work" part. If I'm looked-down upon, I assure you I won't go back. If anyone could address this issue, I'd appreciate it. I have no issue with people working whatever program they need to get sober, and I feel I have the right to the same respect.

I don't know why I decided to write this thesis, but it feels better. Dumping those pills felt powerful. I'm going to do this one way or another. My family is worth it. I AM worth it, too.

Thanks for reading.