duraduramater

This is my first thread post...

So here it is: I used to be addicted to meth/alcohol, I lived on the streets for 4 years and finally got clean in Sept. 2005. (Strangely, I am most proud of quitting smoking cigarettes in 2008).

I have been with an opiate addict for 4 years. He went to rehab 2 years ago, and while in rehab he had a relationship with a fellow addict who was married. I did not know about their relationship the entire time he was there. He would call everyday, send letters, etc. When he got out, he told me he had a 'friend' in rehab (with a smirk on his face, no less) and he cared about her and wanted to continue the friendship because he thought they could help each other stay sober.

Well, as time goes on I discover that they were more than friends, and had hooked up in rehab. Not via confession, but because i found notes they had written to each other.

Before finding out about the relationship, they both called me a psycho for accusing them of being more than friends. They talked or texted everyday, and I suspect they met up after rehab.

Now, whenever I ask him questions about what happened, the story changes. I know he is still hiding things about their relationship. I made him end the friendship (although I'm sure he didn't) and she has been in and out of jail since, and now lives in another state.

My bf and I have 3 kids, and he has been clean for a year, is working and enrolling in college. I just finished college, and will soon be earning 60K a year. Our lives have evolved, and he does everything to prove where he has been, etc. (he saves his time slips from work, stuff like that). He is good to his kids and helps me raise them. He helped me get through school, and is the only one earning money for our family at this point. If I say jump, he says...well you get it. He works hard to earn my trust back, and wants to get married. He proposed last Thanksgiving in front of my family with a nice ring. ~I wonder if he does all of this out of guilt? he hurt me not only by cheating, but with all the **** I dealt with through his drug addiction~

However, I'm still hurt and depressed. We were together for 2 years at that point, and he knew her for 45 days... At one point he left me for her. What was it about her that made it so easy to forget about me? I know he tries now to make things right, but what about the next crack ***** (she sucked guys off to make money for crack when her husband was in Afghanistan) that comes along? They only stopped talking because she went back to jail for burglary.

I thought that after a year, I would feel better, but I'm still depressed and feel worthless. I feel that he wishes I was her. He admits she was funnier and had a better butt than I do...I appreciate the honesty, but it doesn't help.

Most days I'm sad. I compare myself to other women and frequently feel suicidal. All I have are these kids and him. I have some friends, but they don't know the whole story- I'm too embarrassed to disclose. I'm embarrassed that I accepted his ****. I snap at my kids, feel unmotivated and stuck. I feel like I can't leave him because 1.) He's getting better: I'm hoping the clouds will part soon 2.) We have a family together

I'm wondering if anyone has been on the other side or in my situation, and how did it pan out? Should I put so much value on his relationship with her? Is it worth all this heartache?