raja - I agree with Linnie. As a bit of background, I was a raging codependent, turned to addiction to deal with the alcoholic bf, hit bottom but had done so much damage I had to move "home" with dad and my stepmom (sm).
They were raising my niece (her mom died in a car wreck, her bio-dad is a raging A...back in jail again).
My niece (I call her bratkin) was mostly influenced by my severely codie and addict sm. She was a wild child, gone for months at a time. When she was home, we used to fight all the time, she told me how much she hated me.
I clung to the Friends & Family forum/substance abuse and i learned that I didn't have to respond to her outbreaks. We used to have what I call the "f-you" fights, but when I stopped responding? Her behavior began to change.
I realized that MY serenity was important. To be honest, there were many times I nearly bit my tongue in half NOT to respond. Believe it or not, our relationship improved.
She saw me as the person who supported her when she was doing right, detached when when she was wild child. Though dad and sm totally enabled her, I didn't.
Long story short. She is still totally attached to my sm, who is not only codie but an A. However, she is also married and has a child of her own, and she now sees why I wanted things for her, that (at the time) she could care less.
I am the only one who let her deal with her consequences of her actions. Treat me like ****? I won't talk to you. Wanna start a fight? Guess what, when I bow out of the argument, she realized that it was no "fun" fighting without any response.
To be honest, I nearly bit my tongue in two trying to not respond.
Today? We have an awesome relationship, something I never thought would happen. She appreciates me, and that fact that I didn't put up with her BS.
My dad is still enabling her by giving then money, my sm practically LIVES there, but she and I? We're cool, and she knows my boundaries. I'm the only one in her life that has stood up and said "I will NOT tolerate this behavior" though it was extremely hard.
You have the right to YOUR serenity. You can't change what the parents are doing with the kids, but in my experience, you CAN show the kids what is acceptable and not acceptable. They will fight you, at first, but they will appreciate it in the long run.
Take care of YOU and your serenity, and let go of the outcome. For me? I was convinced my niece would shut me out of her life. Quite the contrary, but it took a long time.
Kids NEED boundaries and to learn that there are consequences for their actions. You have the right to determine what is acceptable in your house, and what is not.
If the parents don't agree? It's time for them to find another place.
FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codie. I went through he!! with my niece, but to this day? She will tell you "Amy always has my back, when I'm doing the right thing".
Hang in there sweetie, and take care of YOU!! We can't undo what others do to kids, but we can show them that are consequenses for actions, and in my experience? At some point they appreciate that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy