AprilMae,I too never felt like I belonged,I live in a very small upstate New York town,everyone know everyone and my partner who's lived here and owned a business . I felt like they were all pod people spouting off the same ol same ol,paraphrasing the aa big book like the bible and really turning me off to the whole program.i used the excuse I'm not like them nor do I want to be. The only place that led me was back to doing drugs and drinking probably worse off then I was before. I heard but I didn't listen,there's a big difference. I also found out I was totally jealous of a lot of them with their multiple years of sobriety and me counting days,especially when I'd have a relapse or just a small slip I'd beat myself up to no end. So,just recently I went back,absolutely beaten down and disparate ,at first all I could think was they'll all be looking at me going there he is AGAIN,can't get past ninety days clean and sober. I cleared my mind of all my self inflicted reasons why I didn't or shouldn't want to go and I went. My head cleared and with the main thought that this is for me,not Joe AA who's been sober 39 hundred years. I went in and I took the suggestions,got a sponsor,I'm currently starting to work the steps and trying to do my 90/ 90 and am looking for a service commitment. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is don't let circumstance or other people stop you what you need to get for you. I look at this as we are all just a pill or a drink away from a relapse ,if we don't do the work and follow the suggestion,we lose,no one else ,just our selfs . I'd have gone through a hurricane ,barefoot on broken glass to get my drugs,I need to put the same effort in to my sobriety read step one,that pretty much sums it all up. I know I'm powerless over my drugs and what they do to me the only option I have is to work a program and put forth the energy I did when I was using. It's really simple,all those little things I said and used as an excuse are just that,excuses. They serve no purpose and beating yourself up about clean time lost is no good either,if I did I that all the time I'd never leave the house.just know your not alone and if you need us we are just a click away..best of luck to you on your journey.....
P