Needing support
Hello out there. I am trying again after successfully remaining sober for 8 months last year. I have been in relapse for several months and it never it is going to get better. I am kicking myself after doing so well. I had attended a part time out- patient program for six months where I participated in groups and also education classes. The groups helped me to open up and I certainly learned how much we are alike as human beings. I so needed that. It helped me to overcome my shame having the education and understanding the disease. It was a godsend - inexpensive as part of my health insurance, and eye opening. It was a safe environment.
Where it went wrong - what was difficult was for me to find an AA group or meeting where I felt I belonged. I tried several groups around the center (next town over) during the 6 months (as part of the program) but just did not click. This was my downfall. I was totally fine and doing so well at the center but once completely on my own... within two months, I had no support, and right back in I went. I knew better but just did not take action.
What is my problem? I don't feel comfortable going to AA groups in town because I am still ashamed, I guess. I am having difficulty clicking with AA. My husband is well known in the community. But then this gives me an excuse not to go to meetings because it takes more driving/effort. It makes it easier to pretend it will be okay. I have to get over this! I am stopping my progress and as such not completely accepting my illness. I have to find some people I can trust and see on a regular basis, where I feel safe. It's interesting in that I can have compassion for others, and no judgement when meeting others at meetings but then feel as if other people will not return these important pieces of sobriety. Of course people can, have and will and did the entire time in my sobriety last year. I keep asking myself why this is so hard to understand again. Must be the alcohol talking. I guess I didn't accept the illness in it's entirety.
Any thoughts ?
AprilMae