Thank you for posting the article as I have been struggling to find answers to dealing with my husbands addiction and right now for me this makes the most sense, and its along the lines of other things Ive been reading especially things I was given by the addiction specialist when I went to see him. He told me to keep talking to my husband, and in terms of this article what he meant was stay attached with love. Get involved in the recovery process; make it acceptable, approachable to my husband.
Talking to the doctor has made a lot of sense to me, and that is why Ive been posting lately trying to see others perspectives on how they handle all this, because some seem so in conflict with the advice I was given and I cant help but feel it comes down to new ideas being in conflict with a big portion of the older methods of handling addiction that trace back to AA and al anon, but what the heck does that mean? Nothing as far as I’m concerned because their methods haven’t been able to gain credibility with me at this point. I think there is a time and place for Detaching with love, but at the very least I don’t think it is the initial answer for dealing with situations where you still have positive connectivity between people in a relationship or family.
When I first came here the problem was my husband going out on Fridays after work, getting drugs, going big all weekend. It was affecting me and our relationship. The doctor said by concealing how all this was affecting me, and our relationship that I was enabling him because I wasn’t letting him know there were negative consequences to his actions and that he was damaging our relationship. Made sense, and I talked to him when the time was right. He has since stopped that behavior. He is not perfect, he is still using, but he made a positive change. He gave up something that was pleasurable to him & his drug afflicted mind. It’s a good thing to tell him that I realize he made an effort. And its also ok to tell him when he came home early and we went out to dinner and saw a movie that I had a good time, and I enjoy his company. Some of that is normal love, caring, support, and some is making an extra effort to see a person is struggling and recognize the challenges they face. Maybe part of it is realizing an addict is a person is sick with an addiction, and they face physical, mental, emotional challenges because of this. If I acted like a condescending wife and clapped my hands when he got up to go to work in the morning, for my husband that would be stupid. He is functional and gets up everyday to go to work. But if he was suffering from withdrawals and he still pushed himself to get up and go to work, then I can see where it would be encouraging to share I was proud of his effort. I think it is all in how you apply it, and what your situation is to begin with.