Hey Zad, 4+ months ago I was where you are, lying and hiding my drinking from my husband ( he works away in the week so plenty of time for secret supping) working through a drunken haze or hangover, hating myself in the morning mirror, picking up that bottle at the shop on the way home. Years and years. First denial. ( I wasn't in the gutter or pouring vodka on my cereal ergo I am not an alkie) the self loathing at my inability to last longer than a week or so sober. Coming here, climbing on the wagon, but still planning to drink in some unspecified future, falling off the wagon, coming back here, to all the support, advise and help I could ask. I told hubby, needed to make myself accountable and that was the only way, brutal honesty. Getting there now, slowly. If you can't go to meetings, there are meetings on line, there is AVRT, some really good links here to sober tools. You have a nineteen years start on me, lor, I wish I had come to my senses at 30!
Good luck my friend