Hi Aems! It's so good to see you back here on SR! I agree with others that posting an online journal is a great idea. And it will help others in the process which is awesome.
I am 55 yrs old and addiction has been a part of my life in one form or another for as long as I can remember. I come from a troubled family of origin and I have spent years working thru the issues that affected me regarding them. I am a very sensitive individual and things that others can blow off easily stick to me like Velcro. I am ruled by my emotions and recognize this as one of the things that effects whether I use or not, but I also recognize that the PAWS transition that my body goes thru plays a large part as well. I have been dished out more truly serious challenges in life than most, but I work hard in overcoming them and learning from them. I am weak sometimes and I am strong at other times.
I really related with this because I could write it myself. Almost everything you wrote is true for me, I am even close in age, 49. I guess that adds to my desire to read your story, to see where we resonate and if I can learn from you and your experiences.