FourSeasons

Hello SR,

Today, I begin Day 4 with an amazing epiphany! (or just a “duh” moment… I will let you all decide!!)

I have dabbled in abstinence for quite some time. I have had many starts and stops over the past 2 years. However, “this time” I think I am truly ready to make “this time” last and truly view “this time” as different from all the “other times” I have stopped (and then to restart after a few days).

This time, I truly acknowledge and accept the fact that I cannot have "just one". It is not in my chemistry. This "just one is okay” mindset is at the root cause of all my past failures.

Besides Aug 1st, my most recent serious attempt at sobriety was on July 5th. I went a full 12 days and felt great! On Wed July 17th, an old friend called me out of the blue and wanted to meet at a local bistro down the street. He could only meet for an hour. I enthusiastically went to meet my friend. I was so happy to see him. And without a second thought, I ordered a nice glass of red wine and thought to myself, “this is a special occasion and I hardly ever see this friend… I will have just ‘one’ and call it a night.”

After an hour or so the night ended and we each went our separate ways. On my way home, I started to think to myself, “The wine store is right around the corner. Since I have already had one then what is one more? I also thought to myself, “Today I will give in because the 20th is just a few days away and that is a good calendar day to stop”. So, I picked up two bottles of wine, went home, and drank alone until I passed out.

That one decision to have “just one” led into a 10 day binge!

I then tried to stop on July 27th, but again justified my drinking on July 28th by saying to myself, “August 1st is a great calendar day to stop and that is only a few days away”.

Finally, after another four day binge, I once again stopped on Aug. 1st.

Last night was Day 3 and I had plans to meet yet another friend at a local pasta bar for an early dinner. I was so happy to see my friend. I started to think to myself, “tonight is a special occasion, so why not have ‘just one’? Besides, Aug 5th is only two days away and the 5th is a good calendar day to stop.”

That is when I had my epiphany! That is when I finally recognized my subconscious rationalization to consume. Honestly, I have had it. The only way this insane pattern can change is if I consciously change it. I have had enough once and for all.

So, here is my new daily affirmation, “There is no such thing as one and done”.

Thanks to all for reading my random thoughts for today…