Originally Posted by
Nighthawk8820 
Chalk it up as a learning experience, and one most of us have to learn the hard way (like everything else apparently). You now know that no amount of time will ever make you the type who can have just one. You will always be an alcoholic and the only way to live right, is to just remove alcohol as something in your life. You cant have it, not now, not ever. Its not that bad once you accept that is the way it is. One drink will always bring you right back to where you are now, whether it be in 6 weeks or 6 years from now. Always remember that and you will do well in recovery. The only way to learn this is to try and fail, which is something I think we have all done. Dont beat yourself up, get back on the horse with your new knowledge and try again.
it's not a learning experience cause I am not learning, it's dumb. I have moved around my whole life for work. I finally tried to settle.
I am so sad, lonely, and out of control. I just want to have someone (who I don't screw it up with) to yell at me and just make me change my stupid farking behavior. I know it is stupid. I tell it to myself everyday once I am at work feeling like absolute crap, everyday.
I don't have anyone to do that anymore. I feel alone, scared, dumb, guilty and out of control and like constantly feel like ****. I feel like I am a hurricane in everyone's life, even in my ridiculous relationship that I know wouldn't be there without drinking.
I know and always have been getting through life like this. this, right now, feels so fing different. I think it has gotten really bad, I am not sure. I really hope this is the cue that helps me. I don't cry and I am crying as I type this for some random reason.
this makes me feel pathetic and no matter what anyone tells me, it is.