Originally Posted by Serenity1972

Hello All. I am a functioning alcoholic at the moment but I don't know how long that will last. I have been binge drinking for the past 8 plus years. I started my drinking career late in life when my mother passed away when I was 32. My father was an alcoholic and committed suicide when I was 27 years old. I am now 40. Life was hard growing up seeing my father always drunk after work but still providing for his family. I was very angry growing up watching my father bully my mother and letting the booze take over his family. But, I managed without drinking.

I swore up and down that I would never turn up like him and would be a better person. Well here I am a full blown alcoholic at the age of 40. I began my drinking career when my mother passed away 5 years after my father committed suicide. It started when I was 32. I guess I have always had alcoholic tendencies but never realized them until later in life when all the trauma hit. I really hate myself right now. I don't like who I have become. I used to be such a strong moral person and now I just empty my sorrows in a bottle. My DOC is Vodka. I have a wonderful husband who I have been with since I was 15 years old. He is so supportive but doesn't see my drinking as a problem since I don't drink on a daily basis. He really doesn't get it. I have told him time and time again that I am an alcoholic and he denies it by saying well you don't drink everyday or get the shakes so you are fine. God help him and me.

Yes, I have been to AA meetings and I just didn't get the warm feeling I thought I would get or support. I did have a sponsor, but once she moved away I stopped going to my meetings. I did pretty well moderating my drinking until about a year ago. I know I am out of control and I need help. I guess I just wanted to post this so I can be more accountable for my actions. I don't want to die. I have a son who is 23 years old and I don't want him to fall into the same shame and despair that I have since losing both my parents. I didn't drink at all until all the trauma occurred in my life and I don't want my son to turn up like me. Going to your parents grave so early in life and turning to a the bottle to numb the pain. This isn't not the life I intended to live, nor do I want this for my family.

I am just happy that I have found this site. My story is so much more in depth but I can muster the courage right now to go through it all. It will just make me want to pick up a drink. Something that I know I should not do and never should do again as I am powerless over it. I know my faults, I just need some type of accountability and someone who understand to get through this. I do really want to stop. Today is my trigger day though. It is Friday after all which usually means drinking after work and all weekend long until Sunday afternoon when I can recoup and show back up to work on Monday. Nobody but my husband knows the extent of my drinking. Everyone I work with thinks I have it all together. I work hard at it, but I am tired. I just want it all to end.

This life really sucks and this disease is progressive. I am just so down and out right now. Thanks for listening.