Letting go of all the pain
My son told me yesterday that he didn't think his daddy liked him. We had a long discussion about daddy being on drugs. Apparently he had been hanging onto guilt for almost a year. The last time we saw my xah was at a supervised visit, the park. My x got mad bc my son wanted to play with another child. He actually had enough audacity to tell my son that if he didn't want to play with him, that he was going to leave. Manipulation doesn't work on my son. My x left. That was the last time we saw him. (good riddance!). So, my son tells me that if only he would of played with him then maybe daddy would like him. WOW!
Healing is a slow process for all involved. All I can say is that each time it is appropriate to discuss matters with my son, a little more information needed is given. I explained to my son that daddy is sick, on drugs and that the xah is in a lot of pain. By the end of the convo I asked him if we were ever contacted would he like to see him again, and he said "yea. I'm not mad at him. I still love him" So, that answers that. Even if it is a quick sit down at a fast food restaurant, my son wants to see his father. OK. I think I can do that. I dread it, but I will for my son. Hopefully we will never hear from him again. It has been almost a year. thank god! He owes almost 4k in child support.
Well, later that night curiosity got the best of me (damn it) and I discovered that my xah is still hanging out with EXACTLY the same people. Which means NOTHING has changed! In fact, he has been out to fancy dinners, traveling up state, going to concerts and seemingly having a grand old time. My compassion and forgiveness quickly turned to anger and hurt. He has completely abandoned and hurt his son. He has enough nerve town around town like a single man with his you know what waving around! How can he pretend to be happy after he has left a path of destruction and hurt? Meanwhile, I am there with my son when he has to get blood drawn, has a heart scan, buying groceries, discipline, playing...ect..I live and breath for my son.
I see he is hanging out with old mutual friends too. Don't they ask about his son? Where I am? Is he lying to them? How in the heck can he hide not only his addiction but the fact that he has abandoned his family?
Not knowing anything was so much better. At least not knowing anything I could imagine that he broke up with this evil woman and was living in an apartment sadly by himself...lol. I guess this made me feel better. I guess I figured he must be really down and out to give up on his son. Wow.
It is so hurtful. I was really upset last night. I was upset this morning. But then I snapped out of it. Although I am typing this right now so it is still on my mind.
I am just disgusted. How in the heck can he be getting away with this?
I do understand that there is no room for an addict in my life. It makes it very complicated my son wanting to see his dad, but his dad has done all these things my son has no idea. My son doesn't really understand drugs. He thinks if he is sick he must be with his mom because mom's take care of you when you are sick. How sweet is that!? He is a happy little boy. He is a strong little man. I thank god I have protected him from this addict. I can't imagine what life would of been like for him otherwise.
All night and early morning I kept consuming myself with the whys? Why? And What is he thinking? What is he feeling? BLAH BLAH. How? How could he do this? Then, I yelled at myself. It doesn't matter. move on. I am getting to a really good place and don't need this little hiccup to set me back. I am trying to let it go. It is just so painful. But, I just have to keep making sure my beautiful son is protected and loved. That we keep focusing on what makes us happy. I can't focus on my x. It makes me sad and depressed. I don't want to feel that. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. Letting go. It really really hurts.