EnglishGarden

I recently read the book, "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Dr. Gabor Mate who works in a clinic serving drug addicts in Vancouver, B.C.

He has some powerful advice for friends and family of addicts and I thought I'd share some passages from his book. I changed the gender to "he" just for simplification.

Here is some of what Dr. Mate wrote:

"Family, friends and partners of addicts sometimes have only one reasonable decision in front of them: either to choose to be with the addict as he is or to choose not to be with him. No one is obliged to put up with unreliability, dishonesty, and emotional withdrawal--the ways of the addict. Unconditional acceptance of another person doesn't mean staying with him under all circumstances, no matter what the cost to oneself; that duty belongs only to the parents of a young child. Acceptance in the context of adult-to-adult relationships may mean simply acknowledging that the other is the way he is, not judging him or corroding one's own soul with resentment that he is not different. Acceptance does not mean self-sacrifice or tolerating an eternity of broken promises and hurtful eruptions of frustration and rage.

Leaving an addict or staying in the relationship is a choice no person can make for anyone else, but to stay with the addict while resenting him, mentally rejecting him, and punishing him emotionally, or even just subtly trying to manipulate him into "reform" is always the worst course. The belief that anyone "should" be any different than he is is toxic to oneself, to the other, and to the relationship.

Although we may believe we are acting out of love when we are critical of others or work very hard to change them, it's always about ourselves.

Before any intervention in the life of another, we need to ask ourselves: How am I doing in my own life?"


Dr. Mate's words really resonated with me. When I first attended an Al-Anon meeting over 20 years ago, I thought the problem was my alcoholic husband and if he would just stop drinking, everything in my life would work.

But I had a lot of growing up to do. I had for years been someone who was easily coerced, who could not see the reality of a man but only the romantic ideal of him I carried in my mind, someone who was so afraid of being rejected that I would marry someone just so another young woman could not have him. I was messed up, in my own ways, and over the years I have seen a lot of people--both men and women--in relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts--blame the addict for their problems while refusing to consider they, too, might have some serious issues of their own, refusing to attend Al-Anon, resisting counseling, and "erupting with rage" at the idea that they should stop trying to get somebody sober or that they should accept the addict for who he or she is today, accept that they cannot change anyone but themselves, and accept that they are defeated by alcohol and by drugs.

Here is another passage from Dr. Mate's book that sums up the situation of life with an addict:

"While it is natural for the loved ones of an addict to wish to reform him, it cannot be done.

The person attached to his addiction will respond to an attempt to separate him from his habit as a lover would to someone who disparages his beloved: with hostility. Any attempts to shame him will also trigger rage.

Until a person is willing to take on the task of self-mastery, no one else will induce him to do so."

For myself, the experience of having to give up, to let go of someone I deeply loved and wanted to be with all my life, but could not be with because addiction so distorted him and made relationship impossible...was one of the most grievous and agonizing losses I have known. But to have stayed with him, and resented him, day after day, for being who he was, would have been so cruel and unfair. And it would have eaten me up.

When I first joined SR one of the repeating phrases from the long-timers was "He's not doing it to you, he's just doing it." Again and again, we are advised not to take it personally, the addict's behaviors when under the influence (and until a long-term sobriety is achieved, the addict is every minute of every day under the influence of his disorder).

And Dr. Mate says this as well in his book:

"A tremendous step forward, albeit a very difficult one, is for people who are in a relationship with an addict not to take his behaviors personally.

The addict doesn't engage in his habits out of a desire to betray or hurt anyone else but to escape his own distress."

When I was married to an alcoholic, one who was sweet during the day and horrific and frightening when drunk at night, I suffered and I begged and I bargained, but in the end, it all came down to me: would I stay or would I go?

In the end, free will is mine. As it is for us all. And it is unfair to blame another for my misery while I am clinging to him with all fours begging him to change.