Originally Posted by
sinceIgotClean 
I try to change me but I don't no how. there is a lot of hate in me from growing up bouncing from one kind of hell to another and while being in hell I became a monster in order to survive. The voices of what I was tell me constantly that I am still that monster and I will be the destruction of my new life. I feel like my frustration comes from dealing with these demons that only shut up when I am high.
I had a lot of self loathing too. 40 years worth, and I too only found escape in getting wasted.
I dunno what would mitigate that hatred for you, but for me what I did was challenge that view of myself by doing my darnedest to become the person I thought I ought to be, living a life of value.
I did a lot of service work, a lot of volunteering...it made it harder for me to think of myself badly when I was helping others.
A little counselling helped too
I had nothing left to run away from....I actually started to like myself and my life, so no pressing reason to get high anymore.
D