Calcified

Life is awful. My life was great, thought I'd found my soulmate. We were together for 4 years and I planned on marrying her soon, had our own place. A pet. Then I caught her in the act naked with a friend of mine. Basically my world fell apart there. Terrible two weeks of binge drinking and trying to figure out if I could ever love her or trust her again. I decided I couldn't, so I broke up with her. I have an amazing girlfriend now, but it's different. We don't share the same connection and I don't think anyone I find will ever be as good for me as my ex. I know her inside and out and love her. The only problem is I ignored her, and still do, and now she's with that other guy and I'm with this other girl.

So, now, in my life. I just woke up in my apartment that I share with my girlfriend. We just got a puppy. I wake up, just had a recurring dream where I experience my ex cheating on me and I walk in on it in various ways each time and it's with different fictional dream characters.

I wake up to that almost each morning. The dog's always **** all over the place. If he's pinned up he whines all night and I can't sleep. I'm very far down the rabbit hole alcohol wise. I literally couldn't go to my job today if I don't drink alcohol. I'd get shaky, dizzy, and probably vomit.

I work at 5 p.m. every day, so every day I wake up, get stoned because my dreams put me in a terrible state of mind like I've just been cheated on. Weed gives me headaches, but it cures the nausea. Alcohol cures the headaches, and I drink it because I'm completely socially ********.

I can't quit drinking because I won't be able to function at my job. And if I took a week long vacation to detox my body, it would be the worst week of my life. I'd go back to work and everyone would ask me how much fun my vacation was. And then I'd have to start working every single day again and still be socially ********. I don't have the time to quit drinking.

I always feel terrible. Physically and mentally. I'm super depressed. But I have to act like man, even though I'm not one, and go to work here soon, so I can afford to keep living my ****** life. What do I do?