Trusting him again... Well that's a scary thought...
Last year was horrible. The pain of having a ABF... Endless lies and overpowering emotions.
He is 8 months sober, inactive in him home group, going to 1-2 meetings a day, trying to find a permanent sponsor but has a good one now until he does, got his dream job back (lost it last summer) last week.
I only started talking to him again in June. It has been emotionally rocky to say the least but it has been healing as well. We have a connection that is undeniable and because of that know we have to be very careful not to get in over our heads before we can handle it. Watching him go back to his old work place and make amends to all he's wronged there... And get hired back... Hs really opened my eyes on his potential.
He has said from the first day in June that I answered the phone that he was going to become the man he was meant to be and the man I deserve to have. Independent. With this job he wants to clear his debt with me and make things right for his mother. I haven't shared a lot with him but I have been very honest with him when I communicate about my feelings. We are both still very fragile.
Listening to his stories and the connections he's making in his fellowship have really made a difference for him. His face, eyes, moods, all different with lapse in the old. When those behaviors had arrived he has been apologetic and self reflective. I was able to tell him what sparked my concerns and why I needed to distance myself from him at that time. He reacted well to this.
I love him so much. I know it will take time for me to trust him if I ever will be able to. I know I need to process my pain as well. Letting it out slowly and purposefully will be key. I am already in therapy, have been for years (ADHD).
Just I can see him for who he is becoming. Not a sober version of who he was but the man he has always wanted to be (his words).
He said to me the other day he feels like he is a puzzle and he has finally got all the pieces turn faced up. I have little plans of rushing back into anything until he has become an independent member of society, but I will be working on our friendship and myself while he works on cleaning up his side of the street.
So hard.
Me