WoW! ! ! I've got a hangover just from reading your post.
I never had blackouts. Seems like quite a waste of money if you don't even remember how much fun you thought you had.
Social anxiety, fear, and depression were my main reasons to myself for drinking. I thought the alcohol was relieving my tension.
Took months of being sober to realize ALCOHOL was causing most of the negative feelings.
Glad you made it back in one piece and are on the road to recovery.