Alcoholics, Depression, and Crushing Hope.
I’m feeling kind of vulnerable tonight. I just got off the phone with my husband. I’m at work. He sounds down again. Depressed. Just like he was when he was drinking before his heart surgery. I asked him what was wrong. He said that he didn't know. He said he just feels depressed. I asked him what he was doing, and he said sitting in his car. He was letting the AC blow on him. It’s over 100 degrees outside, and in the past he only sat in his car when he was drinking. Is he drinking tonight? He said no, but only he knows the truth. He talked about how he just wants to go to sleep and sleep for a long time, and that nothing excites him anymore. I advised him that it might be wise for him to talk to his doctor about his feelings. This conversation was a huge blow to me. It stabbed me in the heart. The days preceding he seemed really happy. I loved seeing his smile. I loved hearing him sing. He had surprised me with breakfast, and was excited about making new healthy meals. He told me that he has been fronting his enjoyment for weeks now. He told me that he forced himself to do daily activities. According to him he forced himself to do the very same activities I thought we were really enjoying together. I thought we were finally connecting again. I thought maybe we really can reconcile our marriage. *Stupid codependent hope.* I looked forward to spending time with him. Man, when they tell you not to expect anything from an alcoholic they weren’t lying. You can’t even expect that their reactions are telling the truth alcohol or not.
I guess I can just take that I know my enjoyment has been real these past few weeks. I busted out laughing several times as we played Badminton on the front lawn and the wind took the Birdie every which way. I enjoyed making the winning toss in Washers. Cooling off in the neighborhood pool was so nice. I felt good knowing that despite the years that have past I can still make a three point shot in Basketball. I even enjoyed staying in and working on a jigsaw puzzle with him or watching a marathon of the seasons of Lost.
Is he really telling me that he didn’t enjoy any of that? This is crushing me tonight. Why am I letting him hurt me again?