BFD

I'm sorry to say, this is day 1 again. To my "graduating class"... I'm sorry. I was triggered and I couldn't do it. It was just too much to deal with. I know what I have to do, and I am hating it. My insurance covers detox and rehab and I'm seriously considering going. I don't know about work. I don't have enough time saved up to take vacation time. That alone makes me want to try one last time by myself. I can't take Suboxone or Methadone, they make me sicker than a dog. I've tried them both a few times. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I don't want to be this person. Thank you to scotchbotch for reaching out and letting me know I'm never alone. We WILL beat this. We have to. Our lives and our marriages depend on it.

So far today has been emotional and I'm very antsy. The bathroom visits have begun, but nothing too bad yet. I think the emotional part had to do with me burying a friend today. He was 26 with two small children. He took his life. None of us knew how much pain he was in. They say the loudest laugh hides the deepest hurt. I guess that's the truth. My friend was always making people laugh, and lived to perform. I miss him.