i don't believe in God. not God as anyone else understands it. i believe in a Power greater than myself. i mean, i'm not the all powerful force in my life. there's something out there that influences the way i think and the things i do and my life around me. i used to be the All Powerful Oz in my life. constantly pushing buttons and throwing leavers and cranking...cranks? well, i tired to make my life absolutely perfect by trying to control everything around me and make it fit into my conception of a good life. and the tighter i held on to things, the harder i tried to control the uncontrollable, the more of my life slip between my fingers and it upset me. so i hid from my life in the bottle. i couldn't take things not going the way i demanded them to.
now, i turn things over to the Universe. to my own, personal Higher Power. i accept that i can't control much of my life. my life, as controlled by me, is unmanageable. i've found a great peace now that i trust my HP to guide my life. it frees me to actually enjoy things. sure, my alcoholic brain pipes up every now and then but i've got people i can call and people i can listen to that help me. my HP puts them in my life and i often find that i end up where i need to be when i need to be there. sometimes, it's not where i want to be but i end up finding the good in the situation. sometimes, things just really go wrong but i know i can write it off and start every day anew.
i don't really pray. not formally at least. i just try to remind myself throughout the day that i'm not God. i have to remind myself of that a lot. i mean, i'm a total narcissist so reminding myself that i am not the God of my life kinda knocks me down a peg and humbles me. then, i am more free to accept that there is a Power greater than myself influencing my life. heck, when i was drinking, it was alcohol! i call it my Lower Power. now, i choose a Higher Power. my own, personal HP. no one can tell me what it is or how i choose to acknowledge it. it's just me and it. i don't understand it and that's fine. i don't care to. i don't understand a lot of physics, i just know physics works. my HP is like the spiritual physics of my life. i can fight it but that only causes conflict, frustration and a lot of wasted energy. i choose to go with it, accept that i'm not in charge all the time and you know, that's fine. i don't want all the stress that comes with micromanaging everything or setting unrealistic expectations.
there are non-AA alternatives out there. still, don't be scared off by the God word. it's a placeholder for your own, personal Higher Power. it's God as you come to understand him/her/it. that's why it's a spiritual program, not a religious one. i would just recommend that your HP be a benevolent one. you get to choose a kind, loving God. a general force for peace and good in your life. it doesn't mean that God magically reaches down from Heaven to throw good things into your life. it just means that you trust a benevolent Power of the Universe or whatever to take care of the things you aren't meant to manage.
sorry that was pretty rambling. i am sorry that you've been made to feel that you have to have someone else's God. i hope you're able to find what's missing in your life. i have a God sized hole in me. i tried to fill it with alcohol and the hole never filled up. only my HP can fill me up and make me feel right with the world and it takes a lot of trust on my part to allow that. i hope you're able to find the ability to trust your HP one day if you can't find any alternatives. keep progressing in your sobriety. there's no problem that drinking can't make worse.