WhiteFeathers

It's not that private, it's just a bit hard and boring to explain. Basically, I ran into an old boss at a bar in the middle of the afternoon who went on to explain (quite meanly) how much I sucked at my old job and how much he never liked me and my work and blah, blah, blah. It suddenly dawned on me that maybe I did suck (or maybe not, he's a miserable alcoholic too!), and that it is true I had a hard time succeeding in my career not because I'm not smart and amazing, but because I have been drunk/hungover/filled with self-loathing and contempt. It also dawned on me that I was in a BAR on a beautiful afternoon listening to some weird abuse when I could have been ANYWHERE else.

It is really hard to explain why THIS experience made me want to quit drinking, but it was really an "aha" moment for me. I have had very bad consequences from my drinking (especially when I was younger) but this experience in the bar really did a great job at synthesizing all the self-loathing I'd been carrying around into a nice package. It was like HP was just pulling me up from the collar out of the bar and into AA. I can't explain it any better than that.

My actual "bottom" story was a couple days prior to this. My daughter had a friend over to play and when the friend's dad came to pick her up, I was passed out drunk on the couch. Not good. I was so ashamed.

I have had so many "rock bottom" experiences over the years, especially when I was younger, but they didn't make me want to quit. Some of those experiences are quite awful and personal but they were not the ones that eventually led me to consider sobriety. Like the several times I was raped while passed out or drugged. Or all the times I'd embarrassed myself in public. Or all the times I'd felt so sick after drinking/drugging. Or how many cities I'd had to move away from because of my miserable drunk behavior.

Finally everything just became too much. And too clear and I realized I needed to stop.