Hi Ripper,
I very much identify with your posts. My AH is also "non-abusive" and I wonder if I shouldn't accept "good enough." I'm also very new here, and to realizing that I have an AH and not just a husband with poor stress management techniques.
I also am sort of talking to myself in my posts, because I don't have much of a handle on where to start. I'm starting all over the place, and figure one or two foci will make themselves known. Good luck! Wishing you strength!