This is such a good thread.
Over the last year I have found myself wishing many times that my AH would go back to drinking and drugging - because that was a rollercoaster I knew how to handle! And each time I felt like a horrible sick person. Who would want that madness back? But sobriety is an equally rough ride.
Maybe what I was really doing is wishing for a "reason" to end the marriage. After his infidelity with a prostitute in Mexico I insisted that we both get HIV tested, and I secretly hoped that they came back positive. That is how addicted to drama I was. ?!?!?! (they didn't thank god)
But I'm getting healthier every day. I know now that even though I feel helpless to "fix" our marriage, I'm not helpless to fix me. He and I do have a responsibility to each other, esp. because of our son, but that doesn't mean clinging to a sinking ship. Most importantly - whether or not we stay married, I will be okay!!!