I'm so sorry about your dog, jess. It hurts so bad, this I know.
As far as the BP confusion you are experiencing, I wish I had words of wisdom. I just know, for me, I have absolutely no doubts about being permanently abstinent. I can say with absolute certainty I will never drink again.
"I will never drink now" may be something to think about as it's always now.
Whatever it takes for you to not drink, I say do it.
Sending (((hugs))) and hopeful thoughts.