Be Careful What You Wish For???
First of all, my husband is NOT sober. I do not expect he ever will be. But I've had a revelation, of sorts...
In the beginning (a long, long time ago), I carried around the belief that I could change my alcoholic -- that he would stop drinking if I cried enough, yelled enough, threatened enough... Of course, I was wrong. I didn't know any better.
So the years have come and gone, and I have worked on myself. I worked on ways to deal with the situation and to find peace in "my world." For the most part, I have succeeded. I have managed to accept that this is the way it is. No if's, and's or but's... this is it. Life with an A in a nutshell. It really is that simple.
For more than 15 years, I have prayed and hoped for his sobriety. Just when I thought I had it all figured out... after reading many posts, I have come to the conclusion that I STILL don't know any better. It appears that, with sobriety, comes a whole host of new problems that I would have to face and learn to accept. I've read stories of AA infidelities, the alcoholic asking for a divorce, alcoholics moving out, broken marriages, broken hearts, the alcoholic never being home because of daily and nightly meetings, the alcoholic shutting out his family, the alcoholic trading in one addiction for another... and I have to ask myself... is his sobriety what I really want???? Is it accurate to say that AA saves souls -- not marriages?
Perhaps I feel more comfortable with the way things are now. I always know what to expect. I've learned to deal with it -- the "tricks of the trade," so to speak. I'm 52 years old. I have shared my life with him through his disease for more than 15 years. Yet, if I finally get what I've wished for, he may walk out of my life? What a slap in the face. What a cruel turn of events. Here, on the doorstep of my "golden" years and retirement, I have to face the possibility that I could enter these years alone? This is what my life could amount to? This is the choice that I made when I said "I do" at age 37? What a revelation.
Are those of you out there reading this, going to respond to this post saying, "You should rejoice in the possibility of his sobriety... for the sake of his health... his salvation... you should love him enough to want this for him... it's selfish for you to want anything less for him...?" Of course I want sobriety for him -- but at what price to ME? What would his sobriety cost ME? Is this a fair question? Is this what they mean whey they say, "Be careful what you wish for"?