BabyJane

I'm working a 12-Step program with a sponsor, and upon completing my 4th step recently, I was asked to do a 'fear inventory' which involved me looking at the things I get most scared or anxious over and tracing them back to a key issue.

For example, I write down the word 'Failure' :

Why am I afraid to fail? Well, I'm afraid to fail because I think it means rejection. But why am I afraid to feel rejection? Because rejection leads to the fear of being abandoned. And I'm terrified of abandonment because it would mean I am alone in the world with no one to love or who loves me. Without love I feel hopeless. When I feel hopeless I want to drink or use. If I drink or use I'm truly doomed and will not live. So the ultimate fear is the death of self; physical and mental breakdown to such a degree that I essentially can no longer cope with being on this earth.

So basically, I did this for each fear I had. I wrote the word down and looked a little deeper and a little deeper until I had traced it to its origin. You know what I discovered? Almost all of my anxieties stem from the absolute dread of either being abandoned and rejected by those I care about or being unable to control my depression and addictive nature to the point where I go insane and can not function in society / feel utterly doomed and hopeless (like to the point of being suicidal) and completely loose my will to live. I've been to that place before and it was so dark and awful I never want to re-live even a few SECONDS of that absolute and complete demoralization. No one does. It kills our souls. We become unable to get by day to day and have to be locked away somewhere like slaves. We loose our freedom and feel that there is no good in the world or beyond.

So who cares right? Well, no one else needs to care but it was helpful for me.

I'm just sharing this because I think the practice of looking at these things a little closer, on a deeper level, is really eye-opening. It has helped me pinpoint my triggers and my ultimate "issues" so to say... Now I need to work on changing those core beliefs so I can stop living in fear. Hopefully it's possible. I guess once you've actually had a nervous breakdown and been totally suicidal (in the past) you never quit wondering if it will happen again. I hope I don't end up back there, but I believe that perhaps I won't if I keep doing this work. So I'll keep doing the work. I want to stay sober AND be happy.

I hope this helps even one person today. Mainly I think my message is that we do recover if we are willing to make changes in our thinking and behaviors.