thank you Oak and misterritter, for me just having it out there in the open, like a wound, gives it a little light of the day and maybe allows it to heal. I have hidden this away like an unwanted tumor for 28 years and the only people who know about it are my immediate family and my very trusted friends. They have gotten used to New Years Eve when I would be fine most of the day and then descend into tears and sorrow before the night was over year after year. I am not looking for redemption here nor can there ever be any. I just wanted to put out there how selfish this demon is, as I have experienced it. I just want to be fully me so that as I go forward, I am not hiding the ugly from the light........... not sure that even makes sense.