Thank you Hevyn, I do try everyday to find peace with what has already happened and I do understand that NOTHING I do will ever make it NOT have happened. That is the only way that I have survived such an extreme time in my life. I feel better for having shared it here because the only other people who know about this are the people who were physically there at the time. Unfortunately that does not mean that my ugly little inner voice will EVER let me forget it. It kills the joy of almost every great thing that has happened to me since. But then it rears its ugly head and tells me that I dont deserve any good things because of what I did. So its a never ending battle. I call it my evil twin that wants to destroy me............. but is it really just guilt ??? Is it really just alcohol ?? Is it really just Karma ??? Is it really just me battling myself for the ability to have a precious special moment that isnt tarnished ................ **** sigh No idea
