<< thank you Bruce292, you did not say anything to offend me. I was suicidal after this happened and the ONLY thing that kept me going was that I had a wonderful son who needed me. I still wear the scars of my self loathing on my wrist every day. I just needed someone to tell me if I did something wrong or not and no matter how many times I was told that I hadnt it just didnt matter. My daughter was gone and that was all the proof I needed that I was a horrible mother. I became insane with the need to protect my son. Wouldnt let him get out of my site Literally. I often made him sit with me watching TV or at someones house. It took years for me to realize that I was smothering him and that he would be okay playing in the back yard etc. I wish that after all these years I could just release myself from even part of the feeling of responsiblitly for her death but it will NEVER happen. I just have to try to go on day after day breath after breath. I know that this is where a good portion of my self loathing comes from and its just too bad. I just wanted to be honest and share this despicable side of myself as a way of owning up to what I have done and trying to move forward into a new life