~~ There are consequenses for drinking ....
~~ Okay I feel like if I am ever going to fully reap the benefits of being here then I need to confess my "bottom". It should have been the end of drinking for good but it only led to a long long binge.
On December 31 1985 I killed my newborn daughter........ or so I feel and have NEVER had a day since that I dont feel that way.
It was New Years Eve obviously. I had my son who was 2 and my month and a half daughter. I was living with my mother and step dad.... father to me as far as I am concerned.
I wanted to go out with my cousin for New Years Eve but I didnt dare leave my daughter at home with my Mom because her (my daughter)s heart had stopped once for 15 seconds and she was taken to the hospital and they gave us a velcro heart monitor for her. I was just 22 at the time and being incredibly selfish. It was New Years Eve and I wanted to go out..... thats all, thats the long and the short of it. Anyway, I had resigned myself to staying home but I was pissed. She was having trouble falling asleep and I was just annoyed. I put her across my knees on a pillow and lightly bounced her to sleep. Then I put her down for the night and put the heart monitor on her. Some time around 2 am I awoke with a start in the dark and felt the need to get up and check her. She was cold. When I turned on the light she was blue. I started to freak out but I did the infant CPR that they had taught me. She wasnt responding so I woke up my parents and we called the paramedics. They arrived at the house pretty quickly and I was still doing CPR but they said that she had been gone for hours. Her DOD is listed as New Years Eve. THAT has been hanging over my head for MANY years now. I question myself ALL the time of whether I hooked it up properly because I was distracted with MY OWN SELFISH DESIRES !!! It never went off. I know this for sure because the thing was VERY loud when they tested if for me.
It was ME who let her go in the middle of the night alone because I just HAD to go out drinking........... it doesnt matter that I didnt go because she is gone now anyway. What kind of creature lets that happen ?????? I have never let myself forgive what I did because I lost my child and that is unforgivable.
NOW you know the real me and NOW you can judge my uselessness on this planet