Originally Posted by
fedupbeyondall 
Ya know, I knew this was going to happen. I knew he was going to sit up all night and stumble into the bedroom at 3am. I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep. I knew all of it was going to happen, yet I still got my feelings hurt. Anyone that knows me knows I don't take defeat easily, sure it might knock me down but then I get right back up, beat it into submission and make it my.........you get the idea. I think it's starting to finally sink in that alcohol is bigger than me. The part that really sticks in my craw is that he is picking it over me. I guess I haven't had enough just yet tho, cause I'm still here. But now it's time to focus on me and focus on getting past this.
I can totally relate and I'm sorry. I know damn well that the hope I have (albeit, not the naive kind) is silly. It's not so much that I think one day he will have an awakening and say,"wait....what have I been doing? I'm going to just stop now!" And we will live happily ever after. I don't think that. I just wonder, how long should I be waiting to see if he gets help? You know? He knows that he has a problem even if he hardly ever admits that. He knows it has BEEN running his life for years. And ruining it. If he could "just stop" I know he would have, before he got back with me (we dated in our teens....ironically, I can't think of any time back then that he was mean to me LOL).
So I'm not under the illusion that he will suddenly have this epiphany and do a complete turn around just like that.
Yet I wonder how long do I put up with this, is it w orth it? I could stay three more months and he could go get help and be in recovery. I could stay ten more years and it could escalate. I could stay twenty more years and he could have quit and relapse so many years later. I could stay thirty years and watch him die from it...
I know the feeling of being second choice. I don't think however that my AH UNDERSTANDS the true nature of what he is putting me through. He drinks to escape reality, so he doesn't deal with reality. Recently I started very loudly,"I AM A *REAL* PERSON WITH *REAL* FEELINGS! YOU AFFECT ME!" I could see just a glimmer of understanding in his eyes, and he quietly said,"I know."
But even with that acknowledgement I know he does not fully understand. He has lost the ability to feel empathy for the most part.
Lots of ((((((((hugs)))))))) honey. It's so confusing isn't it?
Should I stay or should I go now....