Thanks everyone. I appreciate your thoughtful replies!
Big sombrero- I had night sweats and insomnia before, but no night sweats and just mild sleeping problems last night, thank goodness. I now have 38 hours sober. I had previously a couple months ago had a scary panic attack/shaking feeling and anxiety from stopping drinking, after having stopped and restarted. I didn’t expect that reaction from the amount I had or the time I’d been drinking though at all.
You guys are right that I need to make a specific plan for what needs to happen first and when it needs to happen by asap. I’m going to try to make a few different potential plans while not drinking which will include potential ideas for where to go. My brother and one of my best friends are in nyc so am considering that.
I think my reasons for not leaving yet have been because of worrying that the fiancé will self-destruct, taking responsibility for him acting out if I’m not there, and having our relationship have addictive pull from the emotional fights (huge waste of time and meaningless), bonding over drinking, as well as some physical violence which I never thought I would ever put up with but do not remember that well. Clearly I am useless to him if I don’t take care of myself.
I’m finally starting to see how these thoughts of being afraid to leave him for what he will do to himself, or because I start thinking all of the problems we had are my fault, keep me stuck and feeling very confused. I now think he may have intentionally and manipulatively instilled these ideas that I need to be responsible for him and that he is prone to making mistakes that are not his fault as a means of controlling me and putting the responsibility for his disrespectful and humiliating behavior on me. Several months into our relationship I got hooked by identifying with him being ashamed of acting out but the impact of him telling me I’m the only one to help him with these behaviors just served to isolate me and have me further cater to his needs.
Congratulations to all of you for being sober and for those of you who left bad relationships! I admire your strength and persistence.