Hi,
I need motivation to really want to not drink and stay sober. I've read books, gone to AA in the past, read scientific information etc. By reading harm reduction I've been able to get through this day without having the physical withdrawals and anxiety that I recently started experiencing this year (am 28 and have been drinking heavily since I met my current fiance in 2010 which is scary how fast I became a 2.5 bottle wine + a day on most days wine drinker). I know I am lucky to have a chance to see the light and would like to get out before another day of who knows what. Recently with my fiance actually trying to be less emotionally abusive, probably to win me back so he can then be really angry again, I've cut back to maybe 1-1.5 bottles when I drink.
My problem I think is psychologically not really wanting to say goodbye to alcohol 100% because I drink now at home to dull the pain from my relationship and old job/traumatic stress, as well as my chemical addiction to drinking now. I have a lot of resentment which I feel is deserved in these situations but definitely not doing me any good to harbor. I think codependency issues triggered using alcohol to cope, which led me to drink reality and my intuition away and continue down the wrong paths at work and in my relationship. Had I not been drinking I might not have had enough denial to allow my abusive, alcoholic, klonopin dependent, and the worst was antisocial personality disordered ex boss bully me into staying working for him while he and other coworkers conspired to commit fraud and do illegal credit card billing, and set up shell companies etc. However I did leave this situation in the fall, when it got much worse, and when I figured out how bad things really were. While I hate being unemployed and the stress of it, when I could finally afford to leave I thought it is unquestionably much better than being in jail, and I knew that job was also a really toxic trigger for my drinking due to the confusion at that job.
I left that situation, which I have it seems traumatic stress from, as in night terrors for a few months, but still am with my abusive and alcoholic/pot/sex addict fiance (who owns up to his "mistakes of the past" - the past is the part that always gets to me since it is ongoing and usually happened within the last day or two). He seems in remission mainly from going to massage parlors behind my back on lunch at work
and smoking a lot of pot but even though I drink a lot I know he's drinking a lot. He loves calling me names, when he's drunk, sober, or whatever and last night again mockingly called me an alcoholic, probably because he didn't want me finishing his wine. I know I'm an alcoholic that is old news to me and like I've told him many times now would really like to stop. I cannot imagine him stopping but it is very clear that he is an alcoholic and has been since his early twenties when he had anxiety withdrawals. He only calls me an alcoholic to be mean and alternates that with I should drink myself to death and buying me alcohol
We don't have kids, thank goodness, and own a home together that is primarily mine in interest. I just feel really stuck and like I need to find passion in life. It sucks to sober up and feel great but then be put down and humiliated by an active alcoholic and abuser. I had a previous relationship for 4 years with a very abusive man but he didn't allow me to drink, which was good, but just feel kind of like no matter what things will suck or it doesn't matter and I might as well anesthetize. Also my Mom was a high bottom alcoholic and didn't drink since I was 4 and neither did my Dad. They were miserable together though, but rarely fought, were very serious, had a sexless marriage, and got divorced right when I graduated college. I want to want to be sober again but I think I just do not really believe, which is so bad I know because logically being sober is not what causes unhappiness, its the anything +codependency maybe? i also need to not get coerced back into drinking by the fiance who is going to make it manipulative hell to leave/or get him to leave for good so I need to be strong first.
Thanks for reading
