I found that I got caught up in my loved one's rough childhood (which it was), and ALLOWED unacceptable behavior as a result.
I don't mean that to come across as unsympathetic, but I finally came to realize that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. It does not matter the "cause" of it.
The which came first part of things kept me stuck...a long time in trying to make it better....and it did not assist my loved one in any way shape or form.