Sueski

I just never can figure out if my motives are what they should be or if I'm twisted! My AH seems to be working on the things he agreed to work on last month. I left for several days in June after reaching my breaking point with his drunken behavior.

I started with my new counselor (my former guy left the same week I ran away from home!) and that seems to be going well. AH and I saw a marriage counselor and that went well. He doesn't think it's going to be useful but is living up to his promise to take it seriously and participate. He has had O'Doul's on several occasions, and I'm not sure if he's used that to mask the "real" stuff, but I'm staying as hands-off as I can. He knows that I think the OD is not a good plan but that it's his to manage. He's been much more helpful and engaged in daily life. He hasn't made an appointment for individual counseling. We talked about it a bit yesterday and I'm not pushing that either, although I reminded him that he promised and that I think it's important for his well-being. The biggest thing for me is that he's much more like the guy I married. That's all I really wanted.

As for the aftermath of the night I left - he doesn't think there was any reason for me to leave that night. I disagree and have told him why. It was devastating to him that I left. He was angry, drunk and hurt which is how he explains the threats. I get it but it's still not okay. He is very unhappy that I "made him look like an A-hole" to our families. Thinks our problems should be kept between us. Okay, fine but it wasn't my behavior that was so out-of-line, it was my refusal to stay and put up with it and my refusal to be secretive about it. My sister is still very angry at him. She heard what he was saying that night (he was SCREAMING in my ear and she heard it from several feet away), which is another thing he isn't happy about. I can't help that either. He feels like an outcast. I feel awful about this but I can't own it. Nobody hates him, but he can't believe that because he hates himself. This is an absolutely huge struggle for me to detach from his pain and consequences.

So, what I am doing for myself - meditation and yoga, primarily. I've started working on things around the house that have been bugging me for YEARS, and am feeling a sense of accomplishment. I still haven't gone to AlAnon or church. (I'm not sure if I'm just not ready or if I'm avoiding) I've been talking regularly to my HP, though! I noticed that somebody bumped the Step One thread and I'm doing some work on that.

I am posting to update those who were so supportive of me during the crisis, and to see if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks for reading.