Hi, pals)
Thank you so much for your responses, encouragement and support!
Jeni - it is so hard a test for both your sobriety and non-smoking now. A loss of a close one is so painful, and you are dealing with this now.
And you are much stronger than the Beast and knee reflex, my friend.
As for my battle - I have a therapist. She is really great and helped me a lot. If not for her I would be in much worse place now. Before SR she was the only person I could be open with, and who knew about almost my issues. But I've never discussed with her my food issues just because I've never seen it to be a problem. Until now. I just see now how much layers of past are hidden behind this "no problem" thing. It's like phantom continuation of my drinking which hides self-harm, self-sabotage, fear, anxiety and hell lot of other issues.
LifeRecovery - Thank you for your kind words and hope. It means a lot. You are right - I should look at it as a step forward. Steps in recovery may be painful, but they are bringing us forward.
I am not going to give up. NO WAY. I am a badass. And I don't eat sweets any more. I don't like it.
See you tomorrow)