As it Happens
I have been Exhibit A for Addiction Ambivalence for long time now. It has been painful, embarrassing, frustrating and fraught with (mostly) internal drama. Why didn't I want to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk? Why didn't I care about my health or family or relationships enough to cut out the drinking and get back to living?
I realized it a couple of days ago; I've been waiting for the switch to be thrown. By whom or what? I dunno, but I think I finally see that I have been living my life pretty much forever as if it happens to me, not as if I have much say in the matter aside from reacting to things that happen.
It would be easy for me to digress into the origins and whyfors of this perspective, but that matters not. Where it does lead me is to an understanding that I've been arrested in this place that is shy of/short of being a mature person. It's time to change that. I am not drinking now.