Wonton, thank you for your post. It relieved me to read it even though I'm sorry for your suffering.
At 17 months sober I have been having a siege of strong cravings for about two months and it does wear me down. It has not been this bad and constant both since the first six months of sobriety and it has shocked and depressed me. I keep thinking, am I going to have to live with this at this level and frequency again?.... because I don't feel like I can do this indefinitely! It is so painful to be back in this spot. And it is disappointing to me too. I feel like my hard work is letting me down.
Now in REALITY land, (not my crazytown above) I know that I am facing deep things that I have avoided facing for a dozen years. I know I feel very out of control of my future and am running out of steps to take on my part. I know my sphere of influence in these situations is dwindling. And I know all this gives me a lot of anxiety, and I want to quell it with alcohol.
But I also know this is why I got addicted to alcohol to begin with. Last time I had to deal wih these same set of circumstances I coped by drinking. This is a doever trial and man is it rough. Obviously I have a hard time surrendering and bursting my illusion that I have little control of outcomes is frankly terrifying to me.
But luckily, risking getting alcohol dependent again is even MORE terrifying. Unlike some peoples feedback on this thread I never forget how bad it was and how narrowly I escaped. Talk about out of control! That kind of desperation and degeneracy is as out of control as there is.
Anyway I feel for you. I am glad you wrote. I've not written all this anywhere here before because I like to encourage people and I feared if I said what I was feeling it would discourage others. But you posted and now you have encouraged me. Your honesty helped me and I hope it helped you as well.
Keep posting. Big hugs, EQ.