I just wrote a huge 20 minute essay but when I hit post it got deleted. Arggh
Anyways, thanks for your post. I know how you feel.
Sometimes the further away in time we get from our "Using Days" we sometimes forget how it really way out there. I know for me, the grass is certainly always greener (no pun intended
The truth is, going back to using and drinking etc. will give us a very short temporary relief followed by continued agony. Getting back on the addiction coaster is going to lead us to places that we will most certainly regret.
My mentor always told me to write down how it was during my using days so that I could refer to it and remind myself just how "good" things really were. Of course things were not really good at all, which is why I worked so hard at getting and staying sober.
There is always a cold seat waiting for each of us on skid row, addiction is a progressive disease, sooner or later it will catch up with us just as it has for most of the folks down on the "row" If we have even 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week or even years of sobriety it is probably best that we nurture and protect it with all our heart and might, it is a precious gift that should we lose it now, we may never be able to get it back, for me it is just not worth the risk to find out.
I know how things were, I don't want to go back, even if at times of depression I think a drink or a pill may help, it might for a few minutes, but are the days,weeks and years of agony which follow it worth it? We have come this far, for me I need to constantly work at getting to the root cause of my addiction, which for me was the desire to escape my depression. Now that I am in therapy and exercising and doing what I need to do to keep my depression managed, I have tools to help me deal with life. Alcohol and drugs were not a tool I could utilize for long periods of time, eventually it catches up with us.
Thanks for letting me share, I hope that you find the strength to keep sober, It is so much better then the alternative (even though our mind sure likes to forget just how bad it was or could get when using)