Whatisnext.....My observation, for what its worth. (I'm a newbie around here). You're already tormenting yourself. You're already in a negative space with mounting negative energy swirling around you.
Put it to bed. Lay it down. It seems it's already causing you the pain you don't want in your life. I think you have your answer if you observe your feelings right now.
Just my two cents. Goodluck!!