Realizing that I am just as bad as the drinking buds that deserted me
I had quite the revelation yesterday. I have spent the last 40 days wallowing (not all the time but some) in self pity about how all my so called friends who were drinking buddies deserted me. I hung with a very small group of the same people every weekend. There were about 4 options that I had for people who I could drink with and feel comfortable. The plan would start early in the week. I'd call one and if they were busy I moved on to the next doing this until I found someone that was free and wanted to hang out. Jeese, if no one was available I would then resort to finding others who were normal drinkers that were drinking and made sure to leave when I knew that I was approaching the point of no return so that I could get home and continue. Don't think I didn't still make an ass out of myself around them occasionally though.
In my first days of sobriety I was told by a long timer that I would need to be prepared that these people would somewhat disappear off the face of the earth. She told me that people that I hung out with that were normal drinkers would still be friends but those who drank like I did would be virtually non existent. This would be due to the fact that they wouldn't want to sit there drinking when I wasn't and also that they would be too unsure of how to deal with sober me.
So for that past 39 days I've boo hooed about the fact that these people that I thought were so close to me walked away from me when I was going through something very tough.
That was until yesterday when I was pondering my own role in those very same relationships. Realistically, I also very much used them so that I would have someone to hang out with and drink with where there was no limit to how many I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I do have feelings for these people. However, it wasn't the love that I had for them that motivated me to call them to see what they were up to. It was that I was looking for a good place to drink where the amount that I drank and my actions wouldn't be questioned. In fact, it would be all but excused and I would be protected from having to feel any embarrassment.
I'm sure that this clarity I feel will also cause me to see other things in a manner that I never saw before.
I'm so happy that I'm here today. This is how life is really supposed to be and it's amazing!