I am really struggling, my heart aching even as I grow stronger. I need to be honest with myself and all of you that I wrote back this morning. I said I meant this boundary and will honor it. That without recovery and honesty our relationship is dishonest and unhealthy for both of us, and there is no change and I cannot bw the person who keeps wishing for it, so yes we are done. That I love him but this is goodbye.
Less than two weeks ago I wanted to spend my life with him, and now it is done. I can see I was imperfect and even weak in my execution. But I feel stronger going forward, or at least that I'm aiming in the right direction. I can see I was baited by him to communicate, but the closure was also for me.
I'm still on my trip, getting home tomorrow, going to my first Al-Anon meeting the next day. Waiting for a response from my therapist about her earliest appointment.
I'm going to walk down to our creek today, pick a stone and hold it in my hand, say goodby to my exABF and the love I'd hoped we could have, and goodbye to the part of me who chose an alcoholic and let myself think I could help or save him. Then I'm going to throw the rock in the creek and walk away, towards what's next in my life.
I know most of you urged me to be stronger, and you weren't wrong. I need to own what I did, to keep moving forward.