This place is awesome - thanks everyone for the replies.
Fear & anxiety are very new for me. I was "invincible" in my drinking days, and so the severity of my decisions never clicked. "It's not a big deal" was what kept me making these bad choices. With a clearer head, it's easy to see how many ripples have disrupted innocent bystanders (or worse: people trying to help).
I took a solo camping trip last week to tackle a lot of these thoughts, as they were absolutely crippling. Just me, my dog, and the Rockies. Lemme tell you, clearing the knots in your head can give you one hell of a migrane. For days afterwards, it lasted. And to an extent, it worked. I'd recommend it to anyone struggling with similar issues; not necessarily "camping," but taking the time to really have some serious conversations with yourself.