I personally think that when you police someone else's activities so closely like this (no matter the reason) it's like issuing a challenge for them to "defy" you and preps the breeding ground for deep resentments to develop.
Even if you are successful, what are you TRULY gaining? All the control in the world isn't going to rebuild trust, it doesn't heal your wounds or provide you new tools or methods to deal with REAL problems. The time, energy & head space it takes to manage that level of control sounds exhausting to me, honestly, & when I got to the point you are at I could barely recognize the person I am underneath all of that sound & fury. It wasn't who *I* was or wanted to be & when I realized that, I knew things had to change because I like who I am without all that baggage!