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Recently, I decided Mr. Hero and I needed to have a discussion about some questions, comments and concerns I had about our relationship.
Over the course of the conversation, I decided to ask,"What was your alcoholic creation story?"
When he told me he was an alcoholic I accepted it without question. I assumed it was a slow progression from adolescence to adulthood based on his early experience with alcohol.
Typically, I would've asked questions due to my inquisitive writer's mind-frame. However, my innate "fixer" nature and volcanic appetite to seek out "broken" men overrode my want to inquire.
It didn't dawn on me until I was having a conversation with one of my best friends. We were talking about Mr. Hero who had mentioned to me he wasn't an alcoholic in his last relationship (in another conversation) which was only a couple years ago.
Seeing as how we've remained friendly, I remembered him being sober then instantly. We were both having relationship issues at the same time. With that epiphany I realized I never actually asked about the conception and process of his alcoholism.
Mr. Hero being the logical and honest armored critical thinker he is, answered by telling me it took him only two and a half years for him to become an alcoholic. This happened after his relationship ended. Not from sorrow, anger, abandonment or anguish but from nothing else to do.
I asked him,"What was the process like?"
He explained,"It started off drinking with friends at events/special occasions, to hanging out with friends drinking all day for fun and ultimately drinking alone."
What I found interesting was the
friends he had that didn't support his alcohol endeavors he pushed away. Instead, he hung out with the other people who liked to drink.
I asked him,"Did you or have you noticed a change in yourself."
He informed me that he understands he's different he's just not sure how.
I asked him,"What was the emotional and physical change he's noticed from his alcoholism?"
He told me, emotionally he changed because he'll wake up with tears in his eyes and will cry for no reason at times.
Physically, he said he just feels terrible.
I asked him,"When was the first time he realized his alcoholism was serious?"
He said his first realization was after he got his first DUI. He felt really crappy. And it still bothers him till this day.
I asked him,"If you could go back and change it so that this never occurred, would you?"
Surprisingly, He replied,"No, because I wouldn't know what I know now."
That statement made me smile, even though I was still slightly frustrated with him about some relationship issues.
I responded,"I also believe sometimes it is our mistakes that define us and craft us into who we're meant to be."
He agreed.
In that moment, I remembered at the core of our authentic selves we both believed in awareness and consciousness. This is what aligns us. This is what fuels my love for him.
In addition, Mr. Hero has slowed down on his drinking. He's trying ease himself back on the wagon. He was back to his awakened, connected and engaging space.
As always, all perspectives, statements, comments and concerns are welcomed. All feelings are valid and I understand tough love generates real love. Thank for allowing me to be honest.