EmmyG

I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my marriage.

My husband is a periodic binge-drinker. When we first got married, it would happen every few weeks, and he would always try to moderate. Now, it's evolved to where it's happened probably three times in the last three years. He doesn't drink at home, ever. He never comes home drunk after work or anything like that. I actually haven't been in his presence when he's been drunk for at least two years. If he ever does drink, I leave. Basically, the only time he ever drinks is when the rare social occasion comes along and he lets his guard down and has a drink. When he drinks there is no off button, and he gets loud, aggressive, and usually in some kind of trouble. Last December, after not drinking for a good six months, he had wine at his boss's house and got a DUI driving back to work. So, he's now in mandatory AA and counseling. He's actually had a surprisingly good attitude about it and seems to be treating it like a wake-up call. We are getting on a new health insurance plan in August, and he's saying he'd like to see a therapist about some underlying issues he has.


The problem we're having now is, our marriage is not at a healthy place. There's been a lot of tension lately. We just had a lengthy phone call and we both expressed how unhappy we are. He says I don't do anything without him, that it seems like I'm afraid to leave him home alone. It's true, I won't even go to my parents' for a visit two hours away. I never go out with girlfriends. I think part of me feels like he has had to give up social stuff to avoid alcohol and if I go out, he'll feel like it's okay to do it, too. He says he turns down any social offers he gets, even just watching a soccer game at a friend's house, because he knows we'll fight about it and I'll text him constantly while he's gone. We both agreed that life is too short to live like this. He said he knows that he's earned my distrust, but that we have to move forward and live normal lives. He says he doesn't want to go out to bars or drinking, but he also doesn't want to have me calling him because he's five minutes late from work, because it makes him feel like a child. He says he doesn't want a toxic environment for our kids, and that he won't do that to them or raise them in a house with fighting parents. He also says he's 34 now, and that our kids are getting older, and he doesn't ever want them to see him drunk.

I don't want to micromanage or make him feel like a child. But he did earn this. I don't enjoy worrying or acting like his mommy. I know he will sink or swim on his own. But I also feel like if I control things, I'll keep bad stuff from happening and I'll protect our family. We're settled into our house, our son is starting at a great kindergarden, and I have an interview next week for a great job. Everything is falling into place. I would hate to see him go to dinner with a friend and blow everything by taking a drink. If he just doesn't go anywhere, that can't happen. But I don't want to be a prisoner to that for the rest of my life or be his keeper. If we divorce and we both move on, maybe we'd be happier with a fresh start and he could have a clean slate. We both want to make our marriage work, but not if the cost is that our children have to live with a miserable mom and dad.

Is this doomed? Am I justified in worrying so much? I feel like I am, but I also know that I'm an anxious person, and I used to treat my little sister the same way when we lived together. If she was out late, I would worry to death. I'm a natural worrier, so being married to someone like my husband is kind of the perfect storm combined with my anxiety. Do I just let go, and let the cards fall how they're going to fall? Or do I just cut my losses and get my own place and we share custody? He says he will be supportive if that's what I want to do, but he'd like us to find a way to get through this. I just don't know.