It has been two weeks since I posted. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to respond. I can't tell you how much your words helped me. Posting and reading your messages helped get me through the day and the crisis I was experiencing.
So far BIL and nephew are making it on their own. They fortunately live close, so I have been watching my nephew when needed. He will actually be with us every day this week! He also has his first appointment scheduled with a counselor on Tuesday (I'm taking him).
We have started the routine of using FaceTime each night before going to bed. We are also playing a network game together on the iPad. It's a farm game where we can help each other out by selling stuff to each other. We are both enjoying it.
Adding another child to my family is not as easy as I had thought it would be. It changes the dynamics in our house and the children are working out their new roles with each other (my children are 10 and 13). Seeing a cousin every day is different from seeing him a couple times a year.
Trying to also take care of myself. I have reached out to friends, my therapist, and a support group for people who have lost loved ones to suicide. Also, got a fabulous pedicure yesterday :-)
It's scary when life shows you how little control you actually have over people and events. I think my fear caused me to turn back to my old standbys for denial. Worrying about other people's lives and believing that I actually have the power to control and fix others.
Just like I slowly learned to accept the father that I got. I'm trying to learn to accept that my beautiful, funny, and caring sister had daemons that she wasn't able to overcome. I'm grateful for the good times that we did have together and pray that she is now at peace.
Thank you again for you help and support.
Fondly,
db