BoxOfRocks

First time posting here. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have been devouring the posts in this forum and the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum and the posts have given me comfort, strength, and understanding of my situation.

About 2.5 weeks ago I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend of 7 months. I am 27 and he is 51. When we met I knew he was drinking heavily but because I thought "We'll just keep it casual," the drinking itself didn't bother me much for a long time. When he drank, he would become friendlier and more affectionate and nicer, if anything. I was an excellent enabler. We met at a social club that he works at, and that I am a member of, and I and many other people there would buy him drinks all the time. He would drink while he was working. He also smokes pot. Over the course of his adult life, he has always been addicted to one substance or another (pot, meth, crack). He snorted meth for a period of 10 years in his 30s/40s, until he was arrested and put in jail. After that, he quit meth but replaced it with heavy drinking.

For the past 6 years, he has lived with his ex-girlfriend (they broke up 2.5 years ago). When she learned we were dating, she freaked out and started fighting with him constantly. She is also a member of this club, and works there part-time, and she approached me many times complaining that I shouldn't have been dating him and saying a lot of inappropriate things to me. I was really upset by this and told him about it. He seemed to express sympathy with me but said that he couldn't move out because he was broke. He asked me not to call his home phone, only his cell, because she would see my name on the caller ID and flip out at him. He also said I couldn't come over for the same reason.

During the relationship, I told myself over and over again that the situation with his ex didn't bother me as much as it really did. But it was a constantly source of stress and anxiety for me, and 2 months prior to the breakup I started waking up with chest pain from the anxiety. This had never happened before in my life. Even at that point, I was still in denial. It wasn't until a month ago, when I started a new job, that my anxiety went through the roof. I was only sleeping 3-4 hours a night and had constant chest pain from thinking about the situation. I was forced to acknowledge at that point that the relationship felt like it was literally killing me, and I told him we needed to break up.

He was devastated, of course. I had always been so sweet and accepting (read: ENABLING) of him and all his problems, I was the only thing in his life he had to live for, didn't we have good times together, I would never meet anyone like him...

I was so tired of trying to "help" him with his situation with his ex. I was tired of feeling disrespected all the time. I was tired of the fact that he would black out after having just 1 drink, and wouldn't be able to remember any conversations or nice moments we had together. I was tired of him blaming all his problems on other people. I realized towards the end that the drinking and drugging itself was not the problem; it was only a SYMPTOM of his underlying inability to cope with the basic problems of life that other people can cope with sober.

Since the breakup I have been working really hard on myself. I started seeing a counselor one-on-one, doing yoga, going to Codependents Anonymous meetings, reading SR all the time, and I bought Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much. All this new info has opened my eyes to the fact that I am codependent. All my life I've repeated this same pattern of finding myself attracted to men with problems. I think the void in me can be filled by being the "best thing in his life." I'm sick to death of repeating this pattern and I'm finally tired of it. I don't want it anymore.

For the first time ever, I'm looking to myself for the love, validation and acceptance I've tried to find in other people. It's a scary process. I find I have no idea where to begin. I suppose recognizing that fact is the first step.

He still emails me and texts me saying that he loves me and that I shouldn't lose faith in him and he hopes we can be together. The more time that passes, the more I realize I don't ever want to be with him again--not because of the situation with the ex, or even because of his drinking--but because of his inability to deal with "life on life's terms" (as I read so helpfully here). I don't respond to his messages, but I already have and will inevitably continue to run into him at the club we're part of in the future.

At this point I'm just trying to feel all my feelings, like my counselor recommended. It's much better than discounting or diminishing my feelings like I did during the relationship. Recognizing my own feelings is also helping me to set those boundaries I never set before. I'm feeling all the anger I denied myself before. But I'm also feeling sad and heartbroken and lonely. I miss him all the time. I cry most days. I'm impatient with myself to get to the acceptance stage already. I'm tired of sadness and anger. Some days are better than others.

Thanks for reading my long post. Thanks to everyone for posting. Reading about your experiences has helped me beyond measure. I look forward to the day when I can reconcile all the hurts he dealt me with the kindnesses that he showed me and accept it all.