sadielady

So, I posted before (and you were all so supportive and helpful) about setting a boundary with my boyfriend when he drank after rehab, his it from me, then got upset when I tried to talk to him about it seriously. He told me to "cool it or find someone else," explaining his drinking wasn't so bad. And I told him to take some time to deal with what's on his mind and his plate, and if he can be straight with me and serious about recovery, he knows where I am, but I can't take any deceit or self-disregard. We don't live together and our relationship isn't all that long. This was a couple nights ago. We haven't been on touch.

So, here's the thing. I need to admit this. I'm feeling relief. After what we just went through -- finding him bloody on the floor, taking him to the ER for an 8 day ER/ICU stay where 5 doctors said they almost lost him and he'd die if he went back to drinking, to 30 day rehab where I know he learned a lot and wanted to hang on but is seriously fighting his own demons.... I am exhausted. And these last couple days, while I am grieving a different way because my new love is likely gone ( and maybe wasn't what I thought), I ache for that loss and for the sadness that he is this sick and destroying himself.... but... For myself I feel some relief. Peace. Deeper breaths.

I feel some guilt about that, which is why I'm posting. But I intuitively I also know there's a reason I feel relief.

I love him and if he could care for himself and get herby that would be amazing, but I paid good attention and don't see that in his cards right now, he isn't ready and he told me that with his words and actions. No amount of me believing in him changes that.

So I feel a little lighter. Is that how it is when setting these boundaries? What do you do with the guilt for feeling relief, when he's out there tortueinf himself? I feel it though, I do. I guess I just needed to share that with someone.

Thanks everybody. In just my short time here, this place has been such a big talk to you straight group hug.