Whole lotta navel gazing in all that. Look I am all Jesus-freaky at times, too. But Jesus did not try to marry a drunk to save the world. This stuff is more like Proverbs, anyway.
Here is how I am handling things, just for another view, if desired.
Three kids -- the "superstar" daughter is 11, but the boys 8 and 6 are top, too.
Mrs. Hammer is back a little over 6 months from rehab. Pretty much a self-centered jerk. Not uncommon, I hear.
So -- that background -- You (or I or anyone) can only have One #1 Priority. Learned that in Army Leadership. The #1 Priority is the kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer, so I know that she is not a #1 priority.
What I learned in Alanon -- To take care of the #1 Priority, I have to take care of me. (Yeah, real mind-upsetting-thing for a Codie). So #2, I take care of me. So that I can take care of the kids. Mrs. Hammer is not me, so she is not even #2.
Real deal, Mrs. Hammer (and your Mrs.) can either take care of themselves, or cannot, but either way none of that is [y]our problem, anyway.